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MOTORE A GATTO IMBURRATO

[classificazione del post: reperto archeologico dell'etą della fondazione. Oggi forse si sarebbe preferito parlare di "motore a bue immargarinato" - sebbene, a onor del vero, nessuno abbia mai avanzato questa proposta]

Materiale Occorrente:
- Gatto (1)
- Fette di pane (1)
- Burro (50 g)
- Spalmaburro (1)
- Tappeti persiani antichi (1)

Realizzazione:

Prendere la fetta di pane e spalmare con cura il burro su UNA SOLA della due facce.

Attaccare il gatto SULLA FACCIA IMBURRATA della fetta di pane.

Lasciare cadere il tutto sul tappeto persiano. Nota Bene che il tappeto DEVE essere ANTICO e PREZIOSISSIMO, piu' e' prezioso e piu' potente sara' il motore.

Ora, per note leggi naturali, il gatto cade sempre sulle quattro zampe e il pane cade, sui tappeti preziosi, SOLAMENTE dalla parte del BURRO.

Quindi l'insieme Pane Imburrato/Gatto rimarra' a mezz'aria roteando con velocita' crescente, cercando di rimettere ordine nelle leggi naturali.

Collegando opportunamente un generatore all'insieme Pane Imburrato/Gatto, si puo' ottenere corrente elettrica di potenza proporzionale alla quantita' di burro, all'area del pane e al valore del tappeto.


THE BUTTERED CAT ENGINE

Since the legend of this engine has made his apparition on these ngs, I think it deserves a little bit of explanation.

Here, the instructions how to devise the engine:

Material Needed:
- Cat (1)
- Slice of Bread (1)
- Butter (50 g)
- Knife or some other butterspreader (1)
- Ancient Persian carpet (1)

The Algorithm:

1) Butter very carefully one slice of bread, on ONE SIDE ONLY of the bread.

2) Apply the cat on the BUTTERED slice.

3) Drop the whole thing on the persian carpet. Attention: the carpet OUGHT to be ANCIENT and OF GREAT VALUE. The more the carpet is valuable the more the engine will be powerful.

4) Now, for the well known laws of nature, a cat always falls on all his legs, wether a slice of bread falling on a precious carpet always land on the BUTTERED SIDE. Therefore the complex Buttered Slice / Cat (BC/S) will be suspenced in mid-air whirling with increasing velocity, trying thus to solve the conflict between the laws of nature.

5) If you connect the BS/C to a current generetor, you can obtain electrical power proportionally to the quantity of spreaded butter, to the surface of the slice and to the value of the carpet.



La natura del motore a gatto imburrato e' stata discussa estesamente sul web (vedi documentazione riprodotta alla fine di questo post) fino ad essere inclusa tra le leggi di Murphy (vedi The Complete Edition of Murphy's Law, http://www.tik.ee.ethz.ch/~lubich/jokes/murphy.html)

Ma dove trae origine esattamente il leggendario motore? E' giunto il momento di sfatare alcune leggende.

L'ORIGINE DEL MOTORE A GATTO IMBURRATO - by keroppi

Contrariamente alla maggior parte delle invenzioni, che nascono da un processo induttivo fatto di tentativi e sperimentazioni, il motore a gatto imburrato e' il frutto di un elementare ragionamento deduttivo a partire da due ben note leggi di Murphy:

1) Bernstein's First Law
"Buttered bread tends to fall with the buttered side down"

2) Law of Selective Gravity (the Buttered Side Down Law)
An object will fall so as to do the most damage.

Klipstein's Corollary - The most delicate component will be the one to drop.

Jenning's Corollary - The chance of the bread falling with the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.


Come si vede immmediatamente, dalla legge di Bernstein e dalla Legge della Gravita' Selettiva (detta occasionalmente anche legge dell'Anti- Gravita') segue per semplice deduzione logica il principio del funzinamento del motore.

L'esatta calibrazione dei componenti del motore e' governata dai corollari di Klipstein e Jennings.

Poiche', una volta date le leggi di Bernstein e quella della Gravita' Selettiva, il motore a gatto imburrato e' deducibile da CHIUNQUE sia dotato della facolta' della ragione, (ed infatti e' stato dedotto indipendentemente e contemporaneamente da piu' individui una volta rese note le leggi suddette), ne' io ne' La Forgia ne' nessun altro idfer puo' pretendere credibilmente di esserne l'artefice, ne' se ne assume la paternita' (si noti che sul sito di idf la dicitura esatta riguardo al post del motore a gatto imburrato recita: " *raccolto* da keroppi", e non "di keroppi", o di qualche altro idfer).

Ora, e' plausibile che l'inconscio collettivo e primigenio di IDF abbia giocato una ruolo determinante nell'ideazione del motore a gatto imburrato, ma comunque stiano le cose, l'idea del motore, e l'energia perpetua che da esso ne derivia, oramai appartengono all'intero genere umano.

SIC TRANSIT,

hasunoue kero kero keroppi


ADDENDA

Ecco alcuni documenti raccolti dal web a titolo di esempio a proposito del dibattito sull'origine del motore:

"Buttered Toast and Cats"
(from http://www.utc.edu/physics/physicshum1.html)

Q. This question was posed to the Usenet Oracle: If you drop a buttered piece of bread, it will fall on the floor butter-side down. If a cat is dropped from a window or other high and towering place, it will land on it's feet. But what if you attach a buttered piece of bread, butter-side up to a cat's back and toss them both out the window? Will the cat land on it's feet? Or will the butter splat on the ground? -Mike
A. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: Even if you are too lazy to do the experiment yourself you should be able to deduce the obvious result. The laws of butterology demand that the butter must hit the ground, and the equally strict laws of feline aerodynamics demand that the cat can not smash it's furry back. If the combined construct were to land, nature would have no way to resolve this paradox. Therefore it simply does not fall.
That's right you clever mortal (well, as clever as a mortal can get), you have discovered the secret of antigravity! A buttered cat will, when released, quickly move to a height where the forces of cat-twisting and butter repulsion are in equilibrium. This equilibrium point can be modified by scraping off some of the butter, providing lift, or removing some of the cat's limbs, allowing descent. Most of the civilized species of the Universe already use this principle to drive their ships while within a planetary system. The loud humming heard by most sighters of UFOs is, in fact, the purring of several hundred tabbies. The one obvious danger is, of course, if the cats manage to eat the bread off their backs they will instantly plummet. Of course the cats will land on their feet, but this usually doesn't do them much good, since right after they make their graceful landing several tons of red-hot starship and pissed off aliens crash on top of them.
And now a few words on solving the problem of creating a ship using the aforementioned anti-gravity device. One could power a ship by means of cats held in suspended animation (say, about -190 degrees Celsius) with buttered bread strapped to their backs, thus avoiding the possibility of collisions due to tempermental felines. More importantly, how do you steer, once the cats are all held in stasis? I offer a modest proposal: We all know that wearing a white shirt at an Italian restaurant is a guaranteed way to take a trip to the laudromat. Plaster the outside of your ship with white shirts. Place four nozzles symmetrically around the ship, which is, of course, saucer shaped. Fire tomato sauce out in proportion to the directions you want to go. The ship, drawn by the shirts, will automatically follow the sauce.
If you use t-shirts, you won't go as fast as you would by using, say, expensive dress shirts. This does not work as well in deep gravity wells, since the tomato sauce (now falling down a black hole, perhaps) will drag the ship with it, despite the counter force of the anti-gravity cat/butter machine. Your only hope at that point is to jettison enormous quantities of Tide. This will create the well-known Gravitational Tidal Force.


"The Cat Engine"

(From: http://www.nor.com.au/users/nicky/feedback.htm)

Over the past years there has been great concern over the future transportation in our modern society since fossil fuels are due to run out within the next few years. Luckily, the fred® energy research engineers have been working on a new power source for years now. It has finally been perfected and the final prototypes have been perfected. It is ready to be mass manufactured through fred enterprises. How the hell does it work ? Does it cost much to run ? Interested ? Read on...

History of the cat engine and all that...
Back in the early 1980s some physics students at fred® university proved some of Sir Isaac Newton's previously unpublished, unproven theories. Firstly they proved the fact that buttered bread or toast will always land buttered side down, through extensive buttering and dropping. Secondly, in similar experiments, it was also proved that cats will always land on their feet. Using this theory, the first experimental cat engine was devised...

The group took a large gamble and presumed that the reverse of the laws was true, and stapled a piece of well buttered bread to the feet of a common tabby cat. The results were amazing. Because the buttered bread and the cat's back could not touch the ground, the "cat and bread" model exhibited an amazing phenomenon. It hovered about 80 centimeters from the ground.

While an amazing breakthrough,there were problems with the initial design of the cat engine. It exhibited a gross unstableness, later established to be due to the much larger force caused by the cat, as compared to the bread.

A year later after the team had funding problems from the skeptical university administrators, the commercial appeal was seen by fred enterprises® and a new, more successful tri-cat model was created. This model was quickly thrown together, without adequate precautions. The mathematics or outside circumstances were never considered. They mistakenly used one Siamese cat and two tabbies, which unbalanced the engine, and caused it to become out of control, and killed one of our leading scientists. After this a new branch of mathematics was created - catrification.

A new branch of Maths.
Catrification is the study of the forces that cats produce. Note: due to technical reasons, it also applies to bread and butter. Firstly we have taken the standard to be an average size Siamese cat, which has a rating of 10 zerts. A zert is the rating of the "catliness" of a cat per cubic centimeter. Our example cat on its own has a force projected from it's back capable of supporting it self one meter above the ground, a distance of which is halved for every hundred kilograms of mass. More than one cat can have a synergetic effect namely that x amount of cats will produce x2 times the force of one cat. e.g. 2 cats are capable of supporting themselves 4 meters above the ground, an amount halved for every hundred kilograms of mass. note: you will realize that the force a cat projects from it's back at 0 meters above the ground is infinite. This may have certain catastrophic implications for war technology. Also this force is only projected when the cat's back is facing downward.

From this technology, the "tri-cat" cat engine was created. This involves 3 cats joined at the feet at equal spacing. 4 of these placed roughly in the same positions of wheels on the car causes easily enough power to lift the car a height of 3.6cm. Using special cat-force maximizing drives created by the Fred® Research team, this height was increased to 50cm. The car still had one slight problem - it didn't go anywhere.

Creating horizontal movement...
In the absence of the fiscal resources to develop cat engine friendly roads, more traditional motion power had to be utilized. A large hover craft-like fan was attached to the rear of the vehicle, powered by a small internal combustion engine. Because of the lack of friction with the road, and the very small wind resistance, the cat powered car could go at very high speed using very little fuel...

And so what now ?
Our next objective is to create an entirely cat powered vehicle, completely eliminating the need for fossil fuels. There have also been theories on whether the cat's force goes down when it dies. If so, there may be a need for "cat stations" to replace the dead cats....

The technology from the cat engine has also been licensed to two of the worlds largest car manufacturers - General Motors and the Ford motor company. GM are a little behind in the race to have the first cat powered car, after ford released "The ford Feline"

So keep tuned for more updates to these most amazing scientific discoveries!


"CAT POWER"
(from http://www.dangpow.com/~godjirra/catpower.htm)

When a cat is dropped, it always lands on its feet, and when toast is dropped, it always lands buttered side down. It was proposed to strap giant slabs of hot buttered toast to the back of a hundred tethered cats; the two opposing forces will cause the cats to hover, spinning inches above the ground. Using the giant buttered toast/cat array, a high speed monorail could easily link New York with Chicago. Folks always get this wrong. If you strap buttered toast on a cat's back, it will land on its feet, since that is its nature. This does not create a buttered cat array. You must strap tiny chunks of buttered toast to the cats' PAWS, butter side down. Then you can get the array to work. However, all your cats must face in the same direction as they hover, to avoid the possibility of one cat licking the butter off another cat's toast, creating a hole in the energy field.
So there. (CHRISTINA)

I'm afraid your feline physics is a bit off. Since both the buttered side of the toast _and_ the cats' paws have an affinity for the ground, they must face in opposite directions if levitation is to be attained. It is possible, however, to modify your scheme such that the miniature buttered toasts are attached to the cats' paws butter-side up. But this relies on the untested theory that the both the unbuttered side of the toast and the dorsal side of the cat repel the ground. One advantage we don't need to speculate on: it will be more difficult for adjacent cats in the array to lick the now concealed butter on the miniature toasts. Looking forward to seeing your results. (BRUCE)

I'm afraid that Mr. Burdick is encroaching on my own research and has drawn the same conclusions however, he seems to have neglected the very simple yet obvious problem of the cats furiously waving their paws around in an attempt to remove the miniature buttered toasts. Any fool knows that maintaining a tight bond between paw and toast is currently an insurmountable obstacle in this ongoing research. This is why I have developed an alternate theory wherein the cats are strapped onto a large, single slice of Texas toast, thereby circumventing the problem of frantically waving paws which might degrade the performance of the perpetual motion engine. (PAT)

Mr.Sandberg wishes to amend his statement to the following: all one hundred cats are not strapped to one piece of toast. Rather, each cat is strapped to his own large toast slice, thereby eliminating the *get this the hell off my paw* factor. I wish to assert my disagreement with the choice of Texas toast, since in my experience it comes laden with cheese and other condiments which could obscure the butter, therefore causing a disturbing flux in the energy field. (CHRISTINA)

Actually, I'll let you in on a little secret. My staff is, as I type, assembling a very large semi-toroidal cat/giant-buttered-bagel matrix. This VLSTCGBBM operates on principles I'm afraid which I'm unauthorized to divulge. But I can tell you this: if you'll take a moment to imagine four of these connected to the vertices of a tetrahedron (still on the drawing board), such that their rotational axes intersect at the geometrical center, where there is room for an occupant, I believe the possibilities will be quite obvious. (BRUCE)

Fellow researchers, Clearly such a device is only practical in a clean room. In the real world, where small bits of string, dust bunnies, insects, and other such distractions freely roam, random brownian cat motion (RBCM) would cause structural vibrations sufficient to cause spontaneous disassembly of the apparatus. It has been exhibited in previous *secret* experiments with small mounts of catnip that, contrary to what intuition might suggest, even a very small number of kittens can produce sufficient RBMC to fracture the most stress-resistant materials known to man. It is well known in the scientific community that cat-and-butter experiments must nowadays be conducted with the greatest discretion. The need for this discretion has been traced back to animal rights rioting that destroyed several labs in the wake of a series of articles published in _Nature_ in late 1987. These articles detailed the "Great Cat Massacre of 1986" following the accidental substitution of

"I Can't Believe It's Not Butter" in several key experiments, the results of which are too unsettling to be discussed here. (STEFAN)

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