Ren-Lei Talking About God-Father GorGor

After having a god-father, Ren-Lei believed in luck when people coming together. Although he was born in the year of the monkey and is younger than his god-father for twenty-four years, both of them shared similarity, that is lacking of the childhood warmth. Friends who know them well said they were almost the same, from appearance to characters.

Every year Ren-Lei met with his god-father. In the last Lunar New Year, his god-father said to him, "Son, don't worry, I do see you again". Ren-Lei couldn't believe that after a year, he still could speak out the word "Papa", but no voice replied him.

I met Ren-Lei on 3^rd April in the afternoon. He cut all his hair. "If I couldn't go to Hong Kong and see god-father for the last time, I just can remember him by such a silly way".

What I Can Do?

Some friends sent SMS messages to me, talking about my god-father at the night on 1^st April. I couldn't believe it. All the news from the Internet was very simple.

I couldn't believe it, and my heart seemed to fight against something. I said to myself, I respected what my god-father had done. Everyone has to take responsibility to his or her own life. Perhaps I couldn't comment on his decision, but I should respect him.

Sleeplessness on that night. I kept praying. I felt my god-father didn't leave, he would see me, and talk to me in a few sentences…

On the following day, my friends called me and according to the newspaper, it's true, but I still couldn't believe it.

He treated himself so cruel in such time, such place and for such action, as my friends commented. After I heard this saying, I couldn't control myself…

I went downstairs and took cups of wine. I didn't know what should I do. After I backed home, I gave a call to one of my god-father's good friend, stating that I have to go to Hong Kong, for the last meet of my god-father. Unfortunately the friend replied it's difficult. I stepped back and said, "Then can you dedicate a bunch of flowers to him for me… Iìm so down. I have no passport, no visa to Hong Kong and Macau. I canìt go to Hong Kong. I donìt know what should I do? I donìt read all the reports about my god-father anymore, as I don't believe it's true. I think I would go crazy…"

You Are My Adopted Son

The first meet with god-father was in 1995. I was a secondary one student and the role of god-father in his childhood in the film 'Temptress Moon'. I was extremely worried during screening, and I had no idea to call him uncle or something. I remembered he was pointing at me, saying we looked alike.

I succeeded to take the role, but we were not so close at the beginning, as we shot separately. Sometimes we met in the hotel. At that time I thought he was so close to everyone. He broke down the distance and the sense of unfamiliarity between people.

A thing stayed in my mind clearly. One day we met in the lift. He asked me, "How much money do you bring for filming?" I said I just had two hundred something. "How can you stay for long-time filming in such amount of money?" he replied. I didn't say something, but he took very care of me and insisted to give me some money.

There were three children in the film 'Temptress Moon'. Me, another boy and a girl. Director Chen made a joke that we could be his adopted sons and daughter. I was young and unhappy at that time, and used to think that nobody cares me. One day, I asked unintentionally, "Uncle Cheung, it'd be great if you're my god-father."

Afterwards, the actress had to be changed to another one, so the filming was paused and we enjoyed more free time. God-father used to play mahjong and chat with me. Within that period, I spoke many things from my heart. As I didn't have happy childhood and longed for love from parent, god-father understood me very well. When we filmed at Suzhou, god-father asked me if I had tasted Japanese food. He took an hour driving me to a Japanese restaurant in Shanghai. I could feel god-father had a warm heart in taking care of people from minor things. Sometimes I knew he was unhappy but he had never shown in front of me. Though without too many smiles, he still talked to me in a gentle voice.

I cried loudly after I backed to Beijing alone from the shooting. At that time, I was too young to say goodbye to a new place that had already familiar with. I was extremely sad. I didn't want to be apart. It seemed everything was over liked a dream. I had been so down for a few months.

Later in that year, god-father phoned me and let me to see him in a hotel. I still remembered his facial expression that day. He smiled, "I am your god-father." I was touched and shocked for that moment.

He Was The Most Important Person In My Life

God-father phoned me every time he came to Beijing. "Son, what are you doing? Do you have time to see me?"

In my eyes, god-father was a father who was very very friendly. When we dined together and it's ten o'clock, he would say, "Son, it's time home." Then he gave me the fee for transportation, and urged me to take care on the road.

I didn't show too much feeling for him, as I knew he was extremely busy and had too many things to do and care. I had never phoned him once for thinking of him, though I got his phone number. I didn't want to border him. Instead I wrote letters in Lunar New Year or others special occasions. He sometimes phoned me from Hong Kong, asking my status and urged me to study hard.

But now, I regret that I kept my love in my heart. I think feeling should be expressed in many situations.

Every year I met god-father once. I longed for the day between our date, and sometimes it made me very down. Once I was depressed, no matter because of couldn't see him or other reasons, he always phoned me or appeared in front of me at the right moment. He made me think that he was my father.

At the beginning of my work in 'Temptress Moon', I kept distance with people and did not have the sense of safety as in the past, but I became more outgoing during the period that closed to god-father, even Director Chen praised me I acted more and more naturally. Now, I don't go to extremes, I can keep the balance no matter how difficult matter I face.

I had such changes because of god-father. He understood and treasured love very well. I could feel he had a true heart by seeing how he treated grandma Zhang, grandpa Shi, teacher Sung, and those friends in Beijing. He did not look down to people as he was a star, and he used to join into a group easily, showing what he wanted in his own way.

God-father understood my history and he always taught me, "Son, you should love your parents. No matter what'd happened, they are your parents." He worked very hard, during filming 'Temptress Moon', he kept memorizing the script in a low voice, even he was dining or traveling. He was a perfectionist and set high requirements to himself.

The one who changed me to see the world in a better angle, dissolved many contradictions in my heart and affected me greatly in my life, was my god-father.

I was not sure how people criticized my god-father, and also not sure the way to show him my feeling. But I want to say is, I love him very very much, from my heart. He brought me many things that I couldn't get. I am very happy and I have to thank him. I used to call him "Papa". He was the most important person in my life for now, and forever.

Ren-Lei, the young Zhong-liang in 'Temptress Moon'

English translation by Alice Lam

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